What was my point, again? Oh yeah. We like holidays.
Why not put one more on the table beside the turkey and the Christmas ham?
The idea struck me last semester while I was zoning out of another boring hour-plus statistics lecture. Every four years, in order to make up for the .25 days we lose out on each year (because the Earth is too lazy to move just a little bit faster), we tack a day on to the end of February. For some reason, February got screwed out of the traditional 30/31 day situation all the normal months have. I don't know if February showed up late to class that day or if it had a beef with August or something. But I'm guessing February deserved it.
February doesn't deserve, however, an extra day every fourth year.
Come on. We gave February a chance. Raise your hand if you're impressed by February 29.
Didn't think so.
I mean, every other month has a 29th. Why would we take something as special as a whole extra day and then just throw it in there like it's just another day? That's not fun.
So, instead of being the last day of February (which never seems to end quick enough, anyway), I say we make the extra day part of March.
Think about it. First of all, while 11 months already have a 29th day, no month can boast a day 0. It may be confusing, but March 0 would be the first day of March. Then March 1 would be March first. Two separate titles for two different days.
And let's face it; March needs a boost now and then. I mean, the whole in like a lion, out like a lamb thing. How depressing is that? Sure, being a lion is sweet. But who wants to leave like a lamb?
Plus, everyone's tired of winter. People see March as a seasonal transition month. March hits-BOOM, it's almost springtime, baby. Who wants to add to February's depressing winter feel?
I don't know what genius scientist or the Romans or whoever figured out the extra day thing, but they completely underestimated the potential of March 0.
Your alarm clock rings or dings or buzzes or whatever it does. Before your head is completely off the pillow, it's already filled with hope and promise. You yell, "It's March 0, bitch!" as loud as you can. Your girlfriend or wife or (for the children) mother don't care. After all, it's March 0.
By the way, you're not going into work today because no company can force its employees to work on the 0 of the month. You set your alarm, anyway, because you'll have more fun doing anything on March 0 than you would sleeping in.
The newspaper hits your door. The front page headline reads: It's March 0, bitch! (They know nobody needs to be reminded. They just want to be cordial) The rest of the front page is a large picture of a smiling baby. The March 0 baby. Prospective photos have been submitted for the past four years. This is the winner.
You turn on the TV to watch the March 0 parade. You march yourself downtown to watch the March 0 parade LIVE! The parade makes Macy's look mike minced meat. Balloons. Clowns. Floats, some of which feature musicians performing a variety of genres. Of course, the last float of the parade features the one-and-only-for-the-next-four-years March 0 baby.
Families will spend the afternoon together.
Special March 0 meals will be offered to the homeless who have survived winter.
By the year 2020, both the NCAA and NFL will have extended their schedules enough to host both the BCS Championship and the Super Bowl on March 0. It will be the unsponsored March 0 Bowl. Both games will be played at the same venue. The four hours between the two games will be the new "Super Halftime."
At the end of the day, you gather for a big meal and an even bigger celebration with family. You make a time capsule of the past for years. You wrap the contents in gift wrap and bury them at 11:59 p.m. Then, next March 0, you take out the capsule and open the gifts you sent to yourself and realize how great life was four years ago. Oh and you put $20 in the time capsule. That way you'll receive money on your special day.
Of course, all this is hypothetical. I'm sure there will be much better ideas once the world accepts this new holiday. If we made something of Valentine's Day, March 0 should be cake.
Speaking of cake, No longer will people born on Feb. 29 feel bad about their lame birthdate. No, they'll be honored with the sweetest birthday of all. So sweet, in fact, they won't even need to, or want to, celebrate it for another four years.
I've decided I'll marry on March 0. As if remembering an anniversary once every four years was difficult, it will be impossible to forget a Maarch 0 anniversary.
St. John Cassian wouldn't be sold short, either. Valentine and Patrick would be jealous.
On Friday, our campus Notice Board sent no announcements other than "Happy Leap Year Extra Day."
I want to hear it multiple times in 2012 from the Today Show right up through Larry King Live.
"It's March 0 (, bitch)!"
We love our holidays. We'd love one more.
Editor's notes: Larry King retired in 2011. While the world has not accepted March 0 officially, several Facebook posts and texts today prove the holiday is catching on. Keep spreading the word, and I'll see you at the parade in 2016.
- Current Mood: happy
- Current Music:"The Cave" ~ Mumford and Sons